Learning to Live Again
by WeasleySeeker
Summary: In the time following the Battle of Hogwarts, it's hard to forget what happened, especially when you have the scars to remind you.


Lavender got a book for her fourteenth birthday. It wasn't often that she got given books as gifts and when the package first arrived, she wasn't particularly excited about it. Books were the kind of things that Hermione Granger asked for as birthday presents, and Lavender didn't have the time for them at all.

She shared this opinion with Parvati, who laughed.

"Not all books are as boring as school books, you know," she said, which Lavender supposed was true. "It might be something cool. Who's it from?"

There were still a few days until her birthday, so she didn't want to open the card yet. She squinted again at the handwriting on the envelope. "It might be from Letitia." Letitia, Lavender's cousin, was twenty-something and gorgeous. She usually gave good presents.

"There you go, then," said Parvati, who had met Letitia a few times in the holidays. "Letitia's cool. I'm sure it'll be great. You'll just have to wait until Wednesday to find out. I can't wait to give you my present!"

Wednesday came soon enough. Lavender opened Parvati's present first - a silver bracelet inscribed with _Best Friends Forever _- and then turned her attention to the book.

It was indeed from Letitia, as Lavender discovered from the card, which she opened first:

_Hey Lav-Lav!_

_Happy birthday - you're getting old now, I'll have to buy you a walking stick for the next one! (I joke. Mwah x)_

_You might think it's strange that I got you a book, but it's not just any old book - it's taught me all sorts over the years and I'm sure you'll find it just as helpful!_

_Enjoy your day and I'll see you soon, yeah?_

_Lettie xoxoxo_

"Sounds intriguing," said Parvati, reading over Lavender's shoulder. "Open it, then!"

It definitely didn't look like the kind of book that Hermione Granger would enjoy reading. It was bright pink, with a picture of a glamorous looking blonde and the tile _(WonderWitch: Increase Your Womanly Wiles!) _emblazoned across the cover.

"Nice!" Parvati commented, and Lavender turned to the first page.

A mirror filled most of the page, and the first sentence was underneath. _You're beautiful, _it said. _But there's always more a witch can do!_

Then there was the contents page. It listed beauty spells for anything you can imagine: hair and acne removal, tips for slimming, breast enlargement, tanning, teeth straightening...

Lavender wasn't sure how she felt about this book, actually. She was a pretty girl; she knew it would be terrible to admit it out loud, but she was lucky, and she wondered if the book would be better placed in the hands of someone like Eloise Midgen.

Still, it was like the book said: it couldn't hurt to do more. She thought wistfully of Ron. It wasn't like the boys were chasing after her, was it? She'd always thought she had a rather long nose...

* * *

Four and a half years later, she looked into that mirror and fought back tears. She wasn't beautiful anymore, and there was nothing she could do about it.

That stupid book had got her obsessing over every facet of her appearance, but now she would give anything to go back to looking like she did before it all started. Hell, she'd much rather look like Eloise Midgen than what she looked like now. (In fact, Eloise was looking almost pretty these days.)

She'd almost _died. _There weren't a lot of people who encountered Greyback that night and lived to tell the tale. Lavender had been in a critical condition for weeks, but she'd pulled through, and Madam Pomfrey had told her she'd be able to go back to normal life right away.

_This _wasn't normal, though. Every time she looked in the mirror she got a fright. The few times she'd braved the streets, people pointed and stared. She was hardly Mad-Eye Moody, but the scars on her face weren't exactly subtle.

"Isn't there anything we can to about... this?" she asked Madam Pomfrey before she left, gesturing towards her face.

As Lavender had feared, Madam Pomfrey shook her head. "I've tried everything, I'm afraid. It looks like these scars are here to stay."

At eighteen, she was obviously more mature than her fourteen-year-old self and she'd been through a lot in the past year. She knew that looks weren't everything, and that she was incredibly lucky to have escaped with her life. (There were times when she felt terrible guilt for this. Some of the people who died deserved their lives so much more than she did.) But having those scars made it impossible to move on. Every time she saw her reflection, she was reminded of what happened.

It was the worst possible time for this to happen to her, too. Just when she'd found someone she loved, and someone who might have loved her too. Her relationship with Seamus was in its early stages, but they'd grown close over the darkness of the last year, and she'd really been beginning to think that he might be the one.

He used to call her beautiful, during those glorious nights at the top of the Astronomy Tower. She'd never been sure how to react, and he always laughed at her. That wasn't going to be a problem she'd encounter again.

There was no way he'd want to be with her now. He visited her when she was in the hospital, but he'd hardly looked at her; he clearly wasn't the man she'd thought he was.

She stayed shut in her room once she got out, because it was better than facing up to the truth that nobody wanted to see her anymore.

* * *

Every day was the same after that. To start with, she'd kept up with the mediocrities of ordinary life, purely out of habit, but things like changing out of her pyjamas or washing her hair began to happen less and less. There was only her mum there to see her, so she simply didn't care anymore.

All the days blurred into one; she had no idea how many had passed when she heard the knock on her door.

"Lavender! I know you're in there! Seriously, if you don't let me in I'm going to break the door down."

That, unless she was very much mistaken, was Parvati. It was the first contact she'd had with anyone other than her mum since she'd left the hospital.

Lavender considered ignoring her - she might be bluffing - but then again, she probably wasn't. Reluctantly, she opened the door just enough so that Parvati could squeeze in.

"There you are, thank Merlin. Why haven't you been answering my lett-" Parvati stopped dead when Lavender stepped into the light.

Tears stung at Lavender's eyes. "I knew it. You think I'm revolting."

"No, it's not that at all!" Parvati said, sounding horrified. "You know I've seen your scars before. It's... have you left the flat since you've been here? Have you even _washed? _Your mum said she was worried, but seriously, Lavender, you don't look well."

"Well that's just it!" Lavender almost shrieked. "I'm never going to look well again, am I? Every time I go out, there are going to be people wondering what happened to make me look like this! I just... I just want to be normal again."

Then she broke down. She collapsed onto Parvati's shoulder and let out the tears that she'd been holding back for all this time, savouring the comfort of her best friend's presence.

Once the shaking sobs had subsided, Parvati led Lavender over to the bed and they sat down.

"It's not so bad, you know," Parvati said quietly. "You're still here. You've got me, and your mum, and everyone else who cares about you."

Lavender sniffed. "And who is that, exactly? Everyone just thinks I'm a stupid bimbo."

"I don't think that's true. Loads of people have asked me how you are."

"Really?"

"Yep. And I haven't been able to give them a very satisfactory answer, since I didn't even really know myself," Parvati said accusingly.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she smiled. "Seamus is downstairs, by the way. He wants to see you."

"Ugh. Does he have to?"

"I suppose not. Why, what's happened?"

Lavender sighs. "He came to see me in hospital - only once, mind - and he was... distant, I guess. He didn't even look at me the whole time."

Parvati shook her head. "Lav, he's crazy about you. I'm not going to force you to talk to him, but I'm sure there's an explanation."

Lavender considered sending him away and telling him to come back later after she'd had a shower and didn't look like she'd just been crying, but then decided that defeated the object of what she wanted to say to him. He wasn't meant to care about her appearance, right?

"Fine. I'll speak to him."

"Good. I'll see you later, yeah?" Parvati said, smiling the way you do around sick people. Lavender decided not to say anything about it; she was only trying to help.

Now in her right mind for the first time in days, Lavender could not have been gladder that Parvati had come to visit. It didn't make everything okay, but sometimes just knowing that you have a friend can make things so much easier to face.

Parvati had left the bedroom door open, so when Seamus arrived he stood on the other side of the threshold and coughed awkwardly.

"Can I come in?"

Lavender just shrugged, and he seemed to take that as a yes.

"You look..."

"Hideous," Lavender finished for him. "Tell me something I don't already know."

Seamus shook his head. "Actually, I was going to say... sad."

"I'm fine," Lavender said, but they both knew that this was a blatant lie. She didn't make any more attempts at conversation, so it was silent for a while.

"You're angry with me," Seamus said eventually. It was an observation, not a question.

Again, Lavender remained silent: if he didn't know why she was angry, then he wasn't worth bothering with.

"I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry I didn't come to see you more. I just... couldn't face it," he admitted.

"_You _couldn't face it? I'm the one who has to live with these scars, Seamus. I'm the one who can't go anywhere without people staring. I thought you of all people wouldn't be so repulsed by me. I thought you knew that I was more than just a pretty face."

"Of _course_ I do!" Seamus protested. "It's not like that at all!"

"Whatever," Lavender said, suddenly more weary than angry. "Look, can you just go, please? I don't want to talk to you. I don't need this right now."

Seamus sighed. He didn't make for the door but he didn't argue either. "I'll go, of course I will. But first just believe me, the reason I didn't visit more wasn't anything to do with you. When I came to see you the first time, I was _angry."_

"Angry? Why?"

"With the people that did this to you. With Madam Pomfrey for not being able to make you better. With myself for not taking better care of you."

"It's not your job to take care of me," Lavender muttered, but she didn't want to get into that discussion right then. Her emotions were becoming more jumbled by the minute.

"But there might be something I could have done! I went off with Dean - I should have stayed with you!"

Lavender held out a hand to stop him. "Can we just leave this, please? I can't be trying to sort out this relationship when I have so many other things in my life to sort out. I'm sorry, Seamus." Surprisingly, she was perfectly steady; no tears were threatening to fall. She'd already cried enough for one day.

Seamus seemed to be struggling with himself. "I understand that you need some space," he said finally, "but just promise me that you'll remember that I love you."

This did nothing but confirm to Lavender that she was doing the right thing. A couple of months ago, she would have been thrilled to hear Seamus say that. The first time somebody tells you that they love you is supposed to be joyous, but Lavender felt nothing; she was numb.

"I'm sorry, Seamus," she whispered, watching as Seamus's face fell. "I don't know how I would have got through this year if it wasn't for you and I wish I could say I love you too, but it wouldn't be fair. On either of us."

Nodding slowly, Seamus stood up. "I guess I'll see you around, then," he said awkwardly. "I hope I will, anyway. You can't stay in your room for the rest of your life."

"I think today has been a bit of a wake-up call," Lavender told him, almost beginning to laugh. "Bye, Seamus."

"See you."

Not even a minute after Seamus left, Parvati was back. She entered the room cautiously, as if Lavender was a bomb that could go off at any minute.

"You broke up with him, didn't you?"

Only then did Lavender feel the slightest twinge of regret. It wouldn't be true to say that she didn't have any feelings at all for Seamus, but it was like she said: she was in no place for a relationship right then. All it would do was hurt both of them even more than they were already hurting.

"I... it's for the best."

She expected that Parvati would argue with her, but she just nodded. "It'll be okay, you know," she said. "Eventually."

"Yeah," Lavender said absently, and as she made room for her friend to curl up on the bed next to her, she realised that while Parvati might not have the physical scars that she did, she was damaged too - as was everyone else who fought that night. The whole of the Wizarding world needed to learn to live again.

* * *

**A/N: Woah, so it's a while since I've been around this place... and it's good to be back. I decided I wanted to express my love for the underrated character that is Lavender Brown - I think she has one of the harshest fandom caricatures, and I like to think that there's more to her than that.**

**Part II to come when I'm done with exams!**


End file.
